what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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