i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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