i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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