Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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