New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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