guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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