she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
