If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
