You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's the barista slut.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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