Where did you get a picture of my penis
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
