The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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