Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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