so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
