just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
