Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
