im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
