i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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