I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
