Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
