He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
