I haven't been this sober since birth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
