My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
