So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
