I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
