Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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