you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
