i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just blew my weed a kiss
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
