Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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