The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
