Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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