Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
