I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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