I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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