remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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