No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
