I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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