Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
