i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
