i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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