Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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