Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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