bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
