I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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