Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
