How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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