You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
