all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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