Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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