My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
