Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
